Chapstick and Small Talk

I think it’s really gross when guys put on chapstick. Not like it’s a gross thing to keep your lips hydrated, but the actual act of applying chapstick is just visually…gross. But it’s not gross when girls do it. It’s weird because it’s a very delicate act, which is why it’s ok when girls do it and it’s weird when guys figure skate. These guys apparently thought the same thing.

The internet is such a weird place. I just spent way more time than I care to admit watching videos under “how to put on chapstick.” There are a bunch of weirdos out there that are making videos of themselves putting on chapstick, and they are making those videos for a weirdo like me who might actually watch them. But like my roommate always says: “There’s a lid for every pot.”

There are so many different names for chapstick. There’s lip balm, moisturizer, lubricant. Then there’s gloss, which just makes them shits shiny? I don’t know what that is. Girls use it to attract men. We are drawn-in by shiny things. Lips themselves are weird. I have no idea why we have them and I don’t want to spend more time than I care to admit Googling why we have lips. I’m just assuming that God was thinking, “Well…that intake hole is pretty gross. Let’s slap some edges on that exhaust pipe to make it look a little better.”

ChapStick is actually the name of a brand, but it’s used so commonly that it’s technically a “genericized trademark.” Like Q-tip. Technically, Q-Tip is a brand of cotton swabs. Similar to Zipper, aspirin and heroin. Apparently these three things share more in common than I originally thought.

Chapstick is such a weird name too. It’s main purpose is the treatment and prevention of chapped lips. Deodorant should be called Stinkstick, because you use it to treat smelly armpits. Or I guess prevent sweating. So…Sweatstick? I don’t know what enemas would be called. Quick…think of a name and let’s see how quickly my Facebook profile can get flagged for inappropriate content. What fun game.

I recently went on a trip to Tahoe and realized a couple of things.

1). I hate small talk. I think it’s because I know it’s so superficial, and because I’m aware of how superficial it is, I don’t invest in it. And because I don’t try, or care, I think I suck at it. And because I suck at it, naturally, I hate it. Annnnd we’ve come full circle.

Really, I don’t care about a stranger that I’ve never met. I typically don’t have any ill feelings towards anyone; I just don’t care about how their day is and what they do if I’m not going to get invested. I’m bad at reading social queues during those types of interactions, so sometimes I’ll try to direct a conversation when someone else is trying to do the same thing, or I’ll just be really quiet when they are too. So I just avoid eye contact like I avoid with the little kid who is selling candy in front of a Target. I see you, kid. I’m just going to walk by and…No…NO. NO DON’T LOOK AT ME. Someone talk to this kid so I don’t have to crush his little heart and…

“No thanks, man.”

Go ahead and put down that gavel, Judge Judy. Don’t act like you’ve never seen someone trying to talk to you and have tried, at all costs, to avoid a conversation with them. Or prevented some 6th grader from going to Washington D.C. because you wouldn’t buy a “World’s Finest” chocolate bar.

2). I used to think it was bad when two people sat together for a meal and didn’t talk. But it was just a social experience that I didn’t understand because I didn’t have someone special to sit and be quiet with. I used to judge those people because I figured they had nothing to talk about, and therefore, aren’t really happy together. When you’re happy and you’re with someone, you should always have something to talk about, right?


I realized that it’s not necessarily about the conversation. It’s a level of comfort that you can’t achieve by yourself. And it is more awkward when you eat by yourself but that’s not the reason you have this person there. You have them because they make EVERYTHING more enjoyable. Hunger was just a feeling that happened when you were sharing your life with someone. How could I have ever thought that was a bad thing?

Thanks for reading.

– The Figure-Skating Candy Seller


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