Foodie Flow Charts

I recently saw a friend and he said something that I felt perfectly described my food preferences:

“I’d rather eat a large amount of mediocre food than a small amount of really good food.”

Taste pie chartHere you’ll see a very fitting “pie” chart of what I think most of my food fits in. You’ll notice that I consider 70% of my food either “Pretty Good” or “Not Bad.” This is food that I think is like…kind of mediocre, but regardless of how mediocre it is, I’m probably going to finish it. Most fast food and food that I make fall into this categories. Then there’s about 15% of food that I eat that I think is good. This is home cooking or a really good carne asada burrito when you’re a little drunk. Then there’s the “DAMN” category. This is the food you can’t believe is inside of your mouth. Like you can’t believe what’s happening in there. So you take another bite just to make sure it wasn’t a mistake. And then something terrible happens: You realize that it really is that good, and it will end shortly.

Note: There is only about 5 percent of food that I will not eat or finish after I’ve started eating it. That means 95% of all food that I put into my body is an item that I will finish.

Below is a flow chart that shows how a single item of food may fall into all five categories. In this case, I walk you through the life of an amazing pasta dish. Note: If there are no left overs, or, if for some reason I think that eating an 8-day old leftover pasta dish is a good idea, then the flow should end.

Pasta Flow Chart



I would imagine stomach problems would just be beginning. Which does not “segway” nicely to my thoughts about foodies. Take us there, Biebs.

The term “foodie” is a strange concept to me. Not only is it self-appointed, but I don’t know anyone that falls into a bucket that’s the opposite of a foodie. There are sports fans, and then there are people who don’t like sports. There are people who love music, and people who don’t pay much attention to it. I don’t know anyone who thinks, “Food? Yea…eff that. I’m not a fan of eating good tasting food.”

But I guess the definition of a “Foodie” is someone who seeks new food. So I guess the opposite of a foodie is someone who doesn’t seek new food places? Btw, this wikipedia page has a ton of link spam, which I may touch upon later. The mention of link spam is applicable here since this post is about food.

I think a site like Yelp enabled this behavior, and became successful due to the amount of people who were interested in voicing their opinion about the food they were eating and getting notoriety for it. To my knowledge, Yelp was the first site that provided people with such a public forum explain their personal thoughts about the food they were eating. I feel like it started off with the meal and suggestions about what to get. These were the short reviews that jumped straight to the point. “This place rocks! 5 stars! Get the ahi tuna.” Then people started critiquing the decor and ambiance (which I’m realizing now are both ridiculous words).

And then we got into essays. There are these 13-paragraph reviews about how someone picked a place because an old friend from college was in town from Florida and they wanted to give them and experience they would remember. “Let me set some context for you that has nothing to do with the actual place that served me food or the food itself.” And it always has that typical review lead-in. “Nestled on the corner of a busy intersection” or some dumb thing like that. These are details that make me freak out for a second and say, “Damnit, just tell me what you ordered and if it was good, you asshole. I know you didn’t give this 5-stars because it’s ‘quaint,’ you nerd turd. Ok great, now that I’ve read the fuckin Iliad, I know that the Grilled Cheese was ‘cool’, whatever the hell that means.”

Like that one Yelp review is forced upon me haha. But seriously…eff you, 7 people who thought that review was “Useful.”

The thing about being a foodie is that no one can really judge you if you’re a good foodie or a bad foodie. If I consider myself a good artist and I can’t draw for shit, then people will think, “meh…he’s not such a good artist.” I guess a bad foodie would be someone who eats the same places, or thinks “Not Bad” food falls into the “DAMN” category.

Little Caesars
Terry J
(5 Stars)

I recently moved out of the Valley because I felt like it was time to fly from the nest and really get out into the real world. Little did I know what the real world meant and what it had to offer. I feel like the goal now is to figure out what I have to offer it!

Regardless, every young, ambitious actor needs to eat, and since it was lunch time, I figured I’d do a little exploring and try something new. The front desk guy in my apartment complex had mentioned that there was a Little Caesars a couple blocks past the train tracks, so I decided to check it out.

Located in a strip mall next to an abandoned Circuit City, I walked in to see a line of people, who, I assume were anxiously waiting for their orders. The fluorescent light added a certain “je ne sais quoi” as it cast a quiet ambiance on the vending machine and 2 plastic folding chairs. Chad, who was at the cashier (but also looked like he was helping in the back – a true team player!) was very helpful. I asked what the specials were, and he very quickly pointed to the flyer next to the register. I decided to splurge and get a small pizza, and I figured that if there was extra, then I’d have some leftovers for dinner.

If Lady Gaga is putting on a concert, what would you want her to play? You’d want her to sing the classics, which is what I decided to do. I ordered the Pepperoni Pizza, and after waiting for literally ZERO seconds, I got my pizza. I’m not sure if I’ve ever made a better decision in my life.

Since there was no seating at the restaurant, I decided to rush home to enjoy my pizza in the solitude of my studio apartment. There are words that have been used to explain food, but no word has ever been created that would adequately describe the flavor I was experiencing. The cheese that that great rubber consistency that you’re looking for in a good pizza, coupled with a crispy crunch of a thoroughly-cooked pepperoni which had been lubed up by a very subtle hint of canned tomato sauce.

I don’t know what the Gods eat, but if they do eat something, this would be it. If there had been an 8th day in the week, it would have been named Caesarday, and eating this wonderful little piece of heaven would merely be a weekly sacrament that everyone would enjoy.

I’ll definitely be back. See you soon, Chad!

Thanks for reading. By the way, Little Caesars falls into my “Good” category.

– The Turd Nerder


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *