Have you ever been watching a movie and 3/4ths of the way through, you say, “What the HELL is going on?” This happens a lot in Kung Fu movies, and the only thing that keeps me watching is the awesome action and the fact that I have nothing to do on a Tuesday night.
There’s been a lot of things going on in my life and my close friends’ lives around me. For me personally, it’s been an open yet ambiguous struggle chronicled in this blog. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s been going on in my life and if that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I realized that the job I have benefits absolutely no one except for me and the 6 people I work with, but in a monetary form. It makes me wonder what I’m doing with my life. It takes a lot to look in and question the things that I believe. The hardest truths to learn are the ones about ourselves. But I’ve set aside some things and spent more time on others because that’s what I think I should be doing. And I’m thankful for it.
All you need to do to feel humbled is to think about all the things that you have and couldn’t. I’m not talking about you iPhone or your car. I’m talking about smaller things. And I don’t mean the roof over your head and the food on your plate. I mean the fact that you can even see or have basic motor skills. Can you imagine not having either? I’ve been so blessed to be set up in a position to live a happy life. I have the tools and the means to accomplish it, and it all started with a chance. My mom gave me the biggest chance to date, but my teachers also gave me a chance, along with friends, coaches, ex girlfriends, mentors, employers, colleagues, etc. Everyone pointed me in a direction that I needed to go, regardless if it was something that I wanted or not. I feel like life is my birthday party, and it’s my turn to hit the pinata. I can’t see a thing, and I’m dizzy as hell. But I’m thankful that I’ve been pointed in the right direction and given a fighting/swinging chance. It can be frustrating trying to hit the pinata, but I know I’m getting closer because the great friends and family that I’ve invited to the party are cheering me on and having a good time. And I know one day, I’ll figure out where I need to swing, and when I finally do connect, metaphorical candy is going to come showering down on me. And I’m so grateful my actions and the actions of others have led me towards the pinata and not the middle of the street.
Now, on to things more complex than my uncoordinated hacks at a piece of cardboard filled with colored sugar.
The idea of ending a relationship is always something that’s scary, regardless of whether the relationship was healthy or not. It causes us to take a look at what it was and who we were when we were in it. And sometimes the realization sucks. The heart and the mind are two completely different beasts, and it’s often the heart that causes us to take chances, even though the mind is saying something different. As they say, “The heart has reasons that reason cannot know.” I don’t know who the hell “they” are, but they’ve said it. I’m a big believer in putting everything into relationships until it is absolutely pointless. But this can be really frustrating, knowing you’re putting in all of your effort and love into an entity that you think is greater than the sum of its parts, only to come up short. Exhausting all options lets you know that there is nothing left that you could give, but unfortunately, it also involves a lot of restless nights wondering why the person that you care for won’t love you back the way that you love them. Love is reciprocal, even though the goal of love should not be. But you should always give everything you have for something you don’t want to lose, until you just don’t have it anymore.
Gave and Have are one letter apart but dramatically different in ideology and pronunciation. Let that be a grammatical lesson to you…
Thanks for reading.
– Kung Fu Pinata