How’s Your Poop

Last weekend, my grandma started a conversation with the opening line, “How’s your poop?”  Let me backtrack a little because, out of context, that sounds worse than it probably is.

I’m very close to my grandma.  I spent 18 years living under the same roof with her, and when I was growing up, she was a lot different than how she is now.  I viewed her as this stern, borderline Nazi dictator that always said my room was a mess and treated me as a common house slave, giving me long lists of chores and errands every weekend.  After leaving the nest for a few years, I realized that tough-love upbringing shaped me into the person I am today.  And I’m extremely grateful for everything that she’s given me.  But over the past couple years, grandma has developed an acute case of humoritis.  It’s when someone’s sense of humor grows out of control.  We never didn’t get along, but we get along well now because of her new found excitement in poking fun at me.  And every now and then, I’ll ask her questions that, not only I know the answers to, but that I know she knows the answers to.  This might sound bad when you read it, but if you want to make an elderly person feel good about themselves, have them teach you something that you don’t know.  Or at least act like it.  That’s why I asked her if she knew what foods were high in fiber.

Hold your horses, alright.  I’m getting to the poop, I just needed to set all of this up.

A few weeks prior to having this fiber convo, I was talking to my co-worker about eating healthy.  And I realized that even though I was eating foods low in fat, they weren’t doing much for me aside from providing a ton of protein.  So this was on my mind heading into the weekend that I ended up seeing my grandma.  Again, this is going to sound bad when you read it, but I figured that I’d ask her what foods were high in fiber, because…well…old people know about fibery foods.  It’s practically a requirement when you’re old.  So I asked her, and of course, her response was,

“Why, are you having trouble with…you know?”

My grandma already worries about me a lot.  The last thing I need her worrying about is the regularity of my bowel movements.  I had to explain to her that I was just wondering because I thought I could probably use a little more in my diet.  She listed a few things and I said thanks.  The next morning, I receive an email that says this.

“Hi – it was good to see your smiling, bearded face.  Fiber count –

split peas, 1 cup               16  grams
red kidney beans, 1 cup         13
oat bran muffin                  5
pear, med with skin              5
broccoli, 1 cup                  5
apple, medium w/skin             4.4
green beans, 1 cup               4
brown rice, 1 cup                3.5
whole wheat bread, 1 slice       1.9
banana                           3
orange                           3

Start your day with a high-fiber breakfast cereal – 5 or more grams of fiber per serving.  Opt for cereals with “bran” or “fiber” in the name.  Look for Trader Joe’s brown rice medley – 1/4 cup has 5 grams fiber.  If your stools are hard, drink prune juice after dinner – 1/2 cup.   Have more “stuff” to give you – will give to you Saturday.”

The “stuff” = 6 cans of beans.  This is probably going to sound bad when you read it, but never ask your grandma about fiber.

I guess that’s good enough for tonight.  It’s almost bedtime/prune juice time anyways…

Thanks for reading.

– The Irregular Humoritis


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