King Kong Dude Mode

I’ve talked about my lack of luck before.  And many of my friends know that this is no mere hypothesis; it’s nearly a confirmed fact.  Things tend to not go my way on a regular basis.  The past few months have not been exempt.

Yesterday, while I was exiting the freeway, my tire blew out.  When I get a rush of adrenaline, my mind slows down a lot.  After the initial shock of “wtF was that?!” my mind goes into process mode.

1). You most likely have a flat tire.  Pull over.
2). Shit, this tire is going to cost me at least $100.
3). Pull over to the shoulder as far as you can.  Leave space for the AAA truck to tow/help.  Put on hazards.
4). I just replaced this stupid tire.  How is it possible that I have to replace it in less than 2 months of getting it?  I hope to God that it didn’t mess anything else up.  O wait, I think I got insurance on it so it should be covered.
5). Get out your AAA card.
6). Shit, I’m going to be late for work.  Text co-workers before you call.
7). Nevermind, check to see if you have a spare, you idiot…

“Luckily,” I had a spare.  That’s when “Dude-mode” was activated.  It was time to jack the car up, take off the tire and put on the spare in hopes that it would be some kind of consolation for what just happened.

I’ve talked about my awkward behavior before.  And many of my friends know that this is no mere hypothesis; it is totally a confirmed fact.  This situation was not exempt.  It took me 10 minutes to get the spare and the stupid car jack out of the trunk.  Then I was literally sweating after I tried to twist off the lug nuts with the tire iron.

“There’s no way this should be this hard.  Am I really that weak? (…strain…) No way, there is definitely something wrong with this.  I think that one kinda moved.  (…strain…)  Did King Kong put these nuts on, wtf is this?”

After about 20 seconds of “I need to sit down before I pass out into oncoming traffic,” I realized that if I lowered the car, I would have more leverage.  I spent 2 minutes cussing at the jack because it didn’t look like it was going up or down, but finally got the car on the ground.  The nuts popped off right before I was about to give myself a hernia.

I threw on the spare, tightened the shit out of those nuts, and threw the old tire in the trunk.  I started the car, drove about 2 feet, and realized my spare was flat.  So I ended up having to call AAA anyways.  Jorge was a man of few words and quickly finished the job (that is not meant to be a racial stereotype at all.  Literally, his name was Jorge and he barely talked to me).

I have to say that I am lucky that I didn’t get hurt.  The only thing that hurt was my pride and my muscles.  I made it to work, knocked out a big chunk of a project, and went home to food, a bed and shelter.  Overall, I’m a privileged human being.  I have a job, a good family, good friends, and good health.  On the highway of life, I’m driving on PCH.  It was 75 degrees today in Southern California…on the last day of November.  A few flat tires aren’t going to kill me.  There are a few things that are lucky in my life right now, and I’m extremely grateful for those people and experiences.

The total price after the repair = $623.32.  Whatever I hit was so bad that it not only popped the tire, but it dented the steel tire frame and damaged the strut.

And the flats just keep on coming…

Thanks for reading.

– Awkwardly Unlucky


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