It’s weird being the skinniest guy in line at a McDonalds. Makes me feel like I shouldn’t be there. But no one is judging me when it’s 4am and I buy a 20 piece nugget and two double cheeseburgers.
Or maybe they are. It certainly crossed my mind. But that quickly goes away when that first nugget goes down the hatch.
I went to a club this weekend and found a group of good looking girls so I asked them to join our party and hang out. It was one of the girls’ 21st birthday. I asked them where they were from and they said Utah (red flag). I started talking to her and the conversation went as follows.
“You guys go to school out there?”
“Yea, Southern Utah University.”
“O cool. No BYU?”
“No those guys are kinda stuck up haha.”
“Haha. I see. That’s like Mormon central….are you guys…Mormon?”
(red flag #2)
“Yea but I’m like a bad mormon. I’ve drank before haha.”
“O cool, you want to go have a drink?”
“No I can’t. The girls know I’ve had drinks before so they made me drive.”
(strike 3, you’re outta here)
I don’t think I’ve ever really met a Mormon before. So I started talking to her about what it’s all about. She continued to give me background of how it all started. I started asking her questions in return.
“So Joseph Smith found these tablets and translated them right? Was he the only one that saw them?”
“No there were like 7 other witnesses.”
“O so they saw the tablets too? Did they have a chance to translate them?
“No cause he didn’t want there to be any confusion or mix ups.”
“So they just believed everything he said? They didn’t think he could be lying?”
“No why would he lie?”
Some of her friends start to join in and help her out with answering questions and providing background.
I felt my phone vibrate and I looked down. My friend sent me a text.
“Let me know if she has any single friends!”
Sorry, homie, but this group doesn’t have the type of girls that you want to get at right now. Believe me, I’m doing you a favor…
“Ok, let’s say I just opened up this text right now, and it was in Chinese. I’m just gonna assume you guys don’t know how to read Chinese. You saw that I just got a text, and you would just believe anything I told you about this text. What makes you think that I wouldn’t just make up whatever it said?”
“Yea, but why would he lie?”
Apparently Mormonism functions around the common belief that people like Joseph Smith don’t lie for any type of personal gain.
“So you guys don’t drink at all right?”
“Well Jesus drank. He turned water into wine at a wedding. It was his first miracle. Moses got like hammered at a wedding and was like naked in a tent. hahaha (ok, techincally it was Noah and I’m not totally sure it was at a wedding, but this was the best I could do being 8 drinks in) (Gen 9:20-23 btw).
“(confused look about the Moses/Noah reference) Yea but Jesus turned water into wine because he was pressured to do it.”
(red flag number…I lost count…)
“He was pressured? So he wasn’t drinking because he wanted to?” (this would have been a great time to use a Last Supper example but didn’t cross my mind until right now)
They decided to go back in and dance, so things kinda slowed down.
What’s weird is that one girl in their group told me to kiss the birthday girl. I guess drinking isn’t allowed, but apparently random makeouts when you turn 21 is acceptable.
What a night. Definitely not how I thought it would go, but informative nonetheless.
I also noticed that there are moving walkways going into casinos, but none coming out. Like they want to make it as comfortable as possible to move you into them, but want to make it tough to get out. It’s like that 5 hour energy drink commercial. They start the commercial with everything that’s in there that’s bad (same amount of caffeine as the leading brand of coffee) but ends the commercial with “0 sugar” and a graphic. Plus, tells you to try just half. It makes it so easy!!! Makes sense.
Lotta crazies in Vegas, and I fit right in there. One weekend at a time…
Thanks for reading.
-The Ramblin Gambler