Men Are From Mars, Women Are From….Who Knows Where

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  Every time I say I’m going to commit to keeping this up, I always suck at it.  I feel like I’m doing my readers a great dis-service….all 6 of you.  There’s been a ton of mini-ideas flying around in my head.  For example, I was thinking, when someone gives you a multiple choice answer, how often is the answer the first option?  I would say close to never.  Because for some reason, everyone thinks that if they say it first, the person will get it.  For example,

Big Bird, from Sesame Street, is how tall?

1).  5’7”
2).  7’7”
3).  8’2”

How often is the answer going to be 5’7”?  Most of the time, I would say never (I’m trademarking that phrase).  If it’s a 3 part multiple choice question, everyone immediately tries to decide between the last two, because everyone already knows that no one would give the answer as the first option.  So the next time you ask a person what color Lindsay Lohan’s hair is at that moment in time, make the answer the first option and see if the person gets it (barring they don’t know the real answer).  This is pretty much for trivia only.  Haha.  It wouldn’t make sense if you asked someone what they wanted to eat and gave them 3 options, that they would never pick the first one.  In that case, it would almost seem like you want them to pick the first one, because that’s probably what you want to eat too.

Welcome to No-wheres-ville.  I’ll be your tour guide for the evening.  Feel free to ask any questions and have them not answered…

Is the term “multiple choice question” grammatically correct?  It’s not a multiple choice question; it’s a multiple choice answer.  There’s a question with multiple answer to choose from.  You don’t get to choose what question you want to answer.  If a teacher gave you a test and said, “I’ve given you 5 questions to answer, but you only have to pick 3,” wouldn’t that be like a multiple choice question?  Then again, I’m not sure if anyone says “multiple choice question.”  Maybe that’s just me using that phrase to try and explain how no one picks the first option.


Let’s get down to the good stuff.  Or at least the semi-bearable stuff.  Let’s talk about the relationship between men and women.

The tone of a relationship depends on whether or not the girl in the relationship is happy.  If the girl is happy, the relationship is happy because the guy is probably happy as well.  If the guy is unhappy, the girl can usually fix it.  If the girl is unhappy, the guy usually has to solve a complex puzzle to try and figure out what is wrong, and then tactfully take the right approach to try and make the girl happy.  My hope is that one day, women would figure out how simple guys are.  No means no, and yes means yes.  So when guys ask girls if they are unhappy, and they say “no,” that’s what it should mean.  It shouldn’t mean “try harder.”  It’s unfair for men to be put in that position.  Because now begins the game…

“Do I just give her space?”  – Typically, no.  The best thing to do is just come right out and ask her if she wants to be left alone.  If she says “no,” leave her anyways.  No, I’m kidding, that’s jacked up.  Stick around and keep on pryin’

“Was it something I did?” – I would say 50% of the time a girl is upset, the guy thinks he had something to do with it.  DO NOT ASK IF YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.  This is like opening Pandora’s Box.  You want to stay away from that question at all costs.  If it wasn’t something you did, don’t give her a reason to start thinking about something you might have done or search for a reason she could be upset at you.  The backlash response could also be “why does everything always have to be about you?”  Also not a good situation, because most of the time, there’s no solid response for that question.

“Do you want to talk about it?” – This is a safe question.  Worst thing she could say is “no” which leaves you where you were before.  But this does 2 things: 1) It shows her that you’re at least somewhat concerned and you will be there to listen.  2) It keeps the conversation from becoming stagnant.  For some reason, it’s the guy’s job to pry whatever it is out of the girl so everything will be good again.  If the conversation is stagnant and you’re not a good conversation mover, then you’d better hope she starts talking soon, or else you’re in for a ride of pure silence.

“Do I supply some sort of comfort physically?” – This will give you one of two responses.  Either she will accept the comfort, and open up a little more, or she’ll push you away, and you’ll probably become aware that you are the problem.  Either situation, it’ll usually start some type of conversation between the two of you.

“Should I keep asking what’s wrong?” – Yes.  This is, far and away, the best route to take.  But make sure you keep asking in different ways.  Not just “what’s wrong”  Some ways to switch it up.

“It seems like something’s bothering you.”

“Did something happen today?”

“What is it?”

“Jimmy stuck in the well again?”

Ok, maybe not that last one.  That might be a mood maker/breaker.  Either she’d get real mad or just laugh.  Depends one what kind of girl/mood she’s in.  Haha.

So let’s say you finally get her to talk after hours of hard-nose investigation.  Now it’s time to be tactical about how you listen.  You don’t want to JUST listen.  You want to ACTIVELY listen.  People don’t like it when you just listen to them talk.  They want to know you’re listening.  You repeat some of the things they say.  You nod your head to agree.  You mutter “mm hmms” and “yeas” to let her know she’s either right or you understand.  And if you don’t agree with something that she’s saying, just don’t say show a sign that you’re agreeing with her at that moment.  But don’t break eye contact, because then she’ll know you don’t agree.  Then guys typically do one of two things: 1) they try and tell the girl how to solve it. 2) They say everything will be alright.

I think both of these are flawed for certain reasons.  When you tell a girl how to solve the problem, a lot of times, unless they ask “what you think,” you shouldn’t tell them.  Typically, I think the girl already knows what to do or how to solve it, they just wanted someone there to talk it out.  When you tell someone how to fix a problem before they ask for your opinion on a solution, it could seem like you didn’t get the point of the “talk.”  Also, when you offer your solution, you run the risk of cutting the other person off.  If there’s more to talk about, and you just start in with a solution, you cause speed bumps, and honestly, you want to get this over and done with ASAP.  Hold your opinions until you completely sense that the conversation is over with.

I don’t think it’s good to say “everything will be alright” either unless you really believe it.  I don’t think you can convince anyone that something “isn’t a big deal.”  You just have to figure out a way to word it so they realize it.


Girlfriend – “My friend Jan and I got in a big fight over a pen she can’t find.”

Any Dude – “So what, it’s a freakin pen.  Who gives a crap.  Get over it, it’s not that big of a deal”

Wrong answer, buddy.  You just ordered yourself a tall glass of cold shoulder.

Shoulda said – “Well that’s no good.  Did she get mad at you?”

This is a leading question that will not only get more out of the girl (which I guess is the point of the “talk”), but it will seem like you really care about how she feels, (which I guess you should, regardless).  And by only asking if Jan got mad at her, you’ll save yourself a possible bashing rather than asking “did she get mad at your or did you get mad at her.”  You don’t want to seem like you’re on Jan’s side in this one unless you find out more info.

Hopefully through some comforting and a small kiss on the forehead, you’ll get a smile.  And what’s when you know you’ve done it.  The smile usually means you’ve reached the end.  Congrats!

It’s a complicated dance that every guy needs to at least attempt, and the only way to do it is to get out on that  dance floor and tango like you know how.

Ladies, need to solve a guy problem?  If you can get him to open up, listen for about a minute (because that’s all they’ll probably give you), and then comfort him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  There ya go.  That’s all you usually have to do.  I’m not sure if girls realize the power of a kiss on the cheek.  Surprise, it heals a lot of wounds.

Why is it that when girls talk to other girls, they ask them what’s wrong, and they pour everything out like a faucet, but for some weird reason, when a guy asks, you need to squeeze it out of them like you’re trying to get that last bit of toothpaste out of that tube?

Dumb girls.  HAHA

Here’s another thing.  Why does it seem like girls always date jerky guys?  I don’t know how many sweet girls that I’ve seen with asses.  And by asses, I mean, guys who are jerk.  Most girls have butts.  Actually, all girls should have butts.  Haha.  I think there’s some pheromone that jerks permeate to draw women in.  And after extensive research and observation, the pheromone is called…..confidence/cockiness.

I think guys who are confident get girls that are WAY out of their league.  Just because they have the cajones to go up and talk to them.  The “nice” guys are typically always the ones that are too nervous to talk to women.  That’s why group projects in classes are an introverted nice guy’s best friend.  A lot of introverted people are usually very nice, but as a guy, they have no shot at getting really cute girls, because cute girls are used to being confronted by jerky guys.  A cute girl usually never goes up and talks to a guy, because they it’s not really expected of them.  There’s a lot of pressure on the guy to do most of the heavy lifting in the early stages of the relationship.

1).  Talk to her.  You have to figure a way to go up and talk to this girl and hope she doesn’t reject you.  I’m not sure if women know how hard this is.  How many girls go up and talk to cute guys?  They get just as nervous, but they never have to do anything, because if the guy thinks she’s cute too, then he’ll be responsible for making the move.

2).  Call her first/ask her on the first date.  If you can get over your fear of rejection, and then she actually doesn’t reject you, you can call.  Once you do this, assuming you successfully get her number, you have to figure out a first date that won’t be cheesy or stupid or lame.  And don’t set the bar too high for yourself.  That last thing you want to be doing is planning a day trip to Catalina for some horseback riding and a nice dinner near the beach or something.  Cause where would you go from there?  No where but down.  Gotta save those for the special occasions, like birthdays and anniversaries.

3).  Try to get her to like you.  Haha.  Good luck with that one.  You just gotta be yourself I guess.  Hopefully you’re not a goon.

4).  Try and keep her liking you.  Haha.  If the girl is happy, the relationship is happy.

The ideal way to get girls is to be a jerk at first, and then be nice later.  Haha.  Maybe not.
It seems like girls who date jerks know that they are dating jerks, they’re just comfortable with being with that person.  Comfort is happiness’s arch enemy.  Cause you could be unhappy but comfortable and be in something you don’t want. Even though all of their friends tell them he’s a jerk, and the girl knows it’s not a good relationship, they’ll stick with it because it’s comfortable.  This works both ways as well.  Girls who are jerky go up to nice guys and treat them like crap too.  I guess you just have to be sure that you like the person that’s giving you attention, not just the attention itself.  Because then you’ll start falling in love with the thought of love, and not the actual person.

Wow, this was long and pretty dumb.  As usual, it didn’t really go anywhere.  I hope this is all semi-readable, because I’m not going to go through and check it.

Thanks for reading as always,

– The Multiple Question Answerer

Btw, Big Bird is 8’2″


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