Mens’ Room Etiquette

**Disclaimer: None of the facts stated in this post are actually facts. It’s all assumptions, personal discoveries, and a mostly fiction, much like the rest of the entries in this blog…**

There is unwritten guys’ bathroom protocol that most males follow: One urinal in between each individual when applicable. If there is a reason in which this rule can not be followed, then a judgement call can be made on a case-by-case basis. But then, and only then, is it allowed. In order to test your understanding of this complex concept, please take a moment to take this quiz.

If you can’t play the game because you’re reading this on your phone, and it won’t open it, then shame on you. The entertainment factor of this blog relies entirely on you sitting down in front of a computer, and taking 10 minutes out of your day to look at all of the crap that I’ve spent hours finding.

The net of that game tells you that you have to make a decision about where you’re going to place yourself in the pecking order of the urinal line based on the urinals that are currently occupied. If all urinals are open, you take the one to the far side so that you allow any other male that walks in to use a urinal at least one slot away from you. If that far spot is taken, then you use the third urinal and never the second one directly next to the urinating man. This is an unspoken guy rule: Never pee next to another man unless it’s absolutely necessary.

The one thing that this game doesn’t take into account is urinal height. Pretty much every guy will tell you that there is always one urinal for little boys and vertically-challenged men.

The baby urinal is maybe hip-high for most guys, so that means you’re making contact with the bowl right around your knees. This is a far, and typically disastrous, height. You’re playing the a real dicey splashback game at that point. Good thing there’s Wikipedia.

Statistically, I feel like the following graphic is a great representation of how often a each urinal is used in this configuration.

urinal statistics 1

The one furthest to the right will likely be chosen the most, and the smaller urinal will likely be chosen a lot because people are at the far right one when they walk in.  There are other times when both are used, or when no one is in the bathroom, and they the middle urinal is chosen. Using these real life statistics, I’d typically pick the middle urinal if no one else was there, just because I think it’s probably cleaner.  But if you’re using the bathroom during a high traffic hour, you’re going to pick the farthest one to the right.  However, there are always instances in which you can break the rule, such as if there is an unknown wet spot near at the bottom of the far urinal.

urinal statistics 2

The Trough

Honestly, any situation is better than what Dodger Stadium to offer. Yes, that’s right. The city of LA loved their fans so much that they made them all line up in a giant line and pee into, what was literally called, the trough. Like the thing that’s defined as “a container for animal feed.” The day I became a man was the day I stood shoulder to shoulder in between two drunk Mexican guys peeing into the trough shouting at each other about what Raul Mondesi did in the bottom of the 3rd.

By the way, urinals can also be disastrous. Such as the urinal that goes all the way to the ground. The following equation almost always happens when it presents itself.

This Plus This Plus This Equals This

The reason I bring this up is because, lately, I’ve been totally ok with breaking the unwritten rule. I think the inconvenience of the baby urinal is greater than the awkwardness of breaking the rule. I’d rather pee in a regular sized urinal than pee in the hip-high urinal. For some reason, I feel like this is borderline selfish, but at the same time, I don’t know why I care. Realistically, if I walk up to a stall right next to a stranger, and they feel weirded out for 30 seconds, then I’m not sure if I care. That’s honestly a change in mentality that I’ve had in the past 2 years that was never there before. And to be frank, I think I’m alright with it.

Anyways, I hope you have all learned a valuable lesson.

Thanks for reading.

– Raul’s Trough

 

hirachi

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