Ridin Durday

I don’t understand how shopping carts get crooked wheels.  Like how does the alignment on a shopping cart get off?  Are people really pushing their shopping carts that hard that it gets all jacked up like that?  I’m not sure if I have ever picked a shopping cart that either A) had 4 functioning wheels all rolling in the same direction or B) didn’t have a shopping cart that slightly turned either right or left.  I understand how a car’s alignment may be thrown off, but a shopping cart?  Really?  I wonder if they do that on purpose so carts won’t just roll away.  They’ll just naturally curve one way so there won’t be any runaway carts potentially carrying babies or something.

Speaking of cars (kinda), I have one.  And it’s a white 1983 Mercury Grand Marquis (long story…kinda).  It’s basically a boat and it has no A/C.  I was driving home from a friend’s house in bumper-to-bumper traffic and it was hot so I wasn’t wearing a shirt.  But I was wearing $10 7-11 knockoff Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses and a bracelet that had a silver dangly ornament around it.  I looked the car to my right and saw a girl in the passenger seat turn around to her friends in the backseat, point at me, and laugh.

That’s when I realized I don’t care about how I looked.  At one time, even though it might not have looked like it, I did.  But somewhere along the way I stopped caring about what people in cars thought about me…

Speaking of putting peanut butter in the fridge (not at all), why?  I don’t understand why people do that.  Peanut butter doesn’t have to be kept cool.  It holds its consistency in normal room temperature.  It doesn’t melt like regular butter.  The worst is when you want to make a PB&J, but have to apply some cold PB and you end up mangling your bread because you can’t spread properly.  Might as well make a grilled cheese with no butter while you’re at it.  Go ahead and ruin all the favorite childhood sandwiches.

Speaking of sandwiches that make you fat (almost worked), I don’t understand why girls ask if they look fat in things.  Don’t ask the question if you’re not willing to hear a “yes.”  Unfortunately, if you have to ask, you’re probably thinking you are, in which case, save a guy some stress and a fight by not asking him.  That questions pretty much has only one answer: “No, honey, you don’t look fat.”  The guy probably doesn’t care that much anyways.

I’ve recently realized that there is a whole brand of guys out there that I know nothing about.  I don’t understand them, but apparently, girls like them.  And those guys are from Jersey Shore.  “The Situation”?  Really?  That works?  Girls like that?  Girls are attracted to guys that treat them like crap for some reason and then wonder why they can only find jerks.  It’s because you’re only looking for them, you silly geese.  Tune up the radar, home girl.

I hate how dating is a game.  You have to play the “game” to get girls to like you.  What?  Why do I have to play a game before a girl likes me?  The “don’t call for x amount of days” and the “put downs” and stuff?  But if everyone plays, then I guess I have to try.  If everyone is on the dance floor, it’d be dumb not at least try and cut a rug.  It’s not that I’m afraid to dance; I just don’t know if I’m doing the right one.  I’m just worried everyone is grinding and I’m doing the robot…

Now I just gotta find a tin woman looking for some heart.

Thanks for reading.

– The “7-11” Dancer


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