Tall People Hugs

Man, my last couple posts were pretty deep.  I felt like I should take a break and do something not so….deep.  I mean, every post I write I try to make a little more insightful and interesting, but those last couple ones were kinda heavy.  Well enough of that nonsense.  That silly poppycock.  What does that even mean?  I don’t even know how it came about or why you say it.  Hold on, I’m going to Google it and see what it says…

Ok, apparently it’s an interjection meaning “nonsense or balderdash.”  Why would you use a silly word to describe another silly word?  Who says balderdash?  I’m certainly not going to waste another 5 seconds of my time trying to find out.  I found that information on Wikipedia.  I know a lot of people give Wikipedia a hard time, but I say, go ahead and become the internet monster you were meant to become.  Its growth is amazing.  It was started in 2001 and is the “largest, fastest-growing and most popular general reference work currently available on the Internet.”  As of March 12, 2008, there are over 2 billion articles on the English site containing more than 990 billion words.  Not to mention it’s the one of the top 10 most visited sites worldwide.  These are all numbers from Wikipedia itself.  Now, credibility is another issue….

There are so many branches of the wiki-tree, it’s incredible.  I just found out there’s a Wiktionary as well as a Wikisaurus to give me synonyms, antonyms and other nyms that I might need when looking for a definition.  I entered Poppycock and it told me it’s Dutch from “papperkak.”  When you break those words down, pap = mush + kak = dung.  Mush dung.  Great.  Poppycock Mush Dung.

This post is obviously getting off to a great start.

What I meant to say is, I’ve been thinking about a lot of heavy stuff and sometimes I just need to go back to what I know best: writing about absolutely nothing important.  Just general observations.  And I wanted to start out by talking about how awkward it is for taller people to hug smaller people.

When I title this post “Tall People Hugs,” I didn’t meant tall people hugging each other.  I don’t think anyone really cares about that.  That’s like short people hugging each other.  There’s nothing special or weird about it.  But when a taller person hugs a smaller person, that’s where the magical awkwardness happens.  Now I’m not a super tall person.  I’m somewhere close to 6’0” maybe 6’1” on a good day.  Again, Wikipedia tells me that the average height of a Caucasian male from 1999-2002 aged 20-39 is about 5’10” so I guess I’m a little above average.  Interestingly enough, Mexican Americans from 1999-2002 aged 20-39 are only about 5’6”, which tells me there are a bunch of little Mexican dudes in the US.  I’m not trying to be racists, but the numbers don’t lie.

Anyways, even though I’m no Yao Ming, I still think I am a taller individual.  And the people that I generally give hugs to are people that are several inches shorter than me.  The hardest part about a hug is hugging a short person, usually of the opposite sex, and having them try to hug around the neck.  When it comes to hug time, a girl usually puts out her arms signaling (1) our time here is done and (2) I’m either going for a neck wrap up or a waist wrap up.  When a shorter person signals that they are going to give a hug above the shoulders and around the neck, they will lift their arms in the air like they are starting the YMCA dance, and they are the “Y”.  Or sometimes, the short person reaches their short arms towards you, in an almost Frankenstein-like manner.  With either beginning, there is an ending resulting in a semi-weird hug for a taller individual.  Let me explain….

When a short person goes for the high hug (wrap around the neck), a tall guy has to go for a low hug (wrap around the waist).  This results in the taller person having to bend down in a weird position.  You don’t really want to bend your knees, because you’ll bump knees with the shorter person.  You don’t want to not bend your knees, because that looks like you’re slow dancing.  You are no longer at a Jr. High Valentine’s Day dance awkwardly dancing with a girl who’s kinda giggly/cute but smells really good to a song that’s way above your maturity level that you will hear in the car 3 years later and laugh because you’re going to remember that exact moment (Boys II Men – I’ll Make Love To You), but the $150 a night DJ doesn’t care and neither do you because your hormones and friends are telling you it’s cool to be that close to a girl.  Ooooooo memories……

Option 1: Bending Knees.  Poor option because you bump short person’s knees.

Option 2: Don’t Bend Knees.  Not bending knees = slow dancing

Option 3: Spread Legs, technically not really bending knees, but kinda straddling looking like you’re in your “Power Rock” stance completing a hug.  This option takes a couple moments to set up that you might not have before a hug and plus, you look like an idiot.

Option 4: Stick Butt Out.  This has to be the most common option for men hugging smaller girls.  The guy doesn’t bend his knees, but instead, bends his waist, allowing for maximum head-on-shoulder action while still wrapping relatively tight around the smaller person’s waist.

Option 4 is the most successful option and I would say works a majority of the time.  There are other types of hugs, such as the side hug, the handshake/hug, or what I like to call, the criss-cross hug.  This hug involves with one arm going for a high hug and the other going for a low hug.  The only thing I hate about this hug is that I feel like it’s not as personal for some reason.  Plus, a lot of people set up for it like they’re impersonating an airplane diving left or right.  When I see someone put one arm diagonally up and one arm point diagonally down, I just think of an airplane and when I close in for the hug, I want to go NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR.  I know, I know.  Childish.  How mushily dung-like of me.

So what’s the best hugging option for a taller guy?  Obviously it’s if a smaller girl goes for a low hug and the guy hugs the girl around the shoulders.  This creates the most contact and for me, feels like the most personal.  This also allows for the tightest hugs I think.  This close hug could also happen when a girl goes for a high hug, but the taller guy has to lift her off of the ground for full contact.  And last time I checked, no girl likes to be lifted by any guy unless they are on a cheerleading squad getting ready for their super cute stunt.  In short, girls being lifted in closing hug = even more awkward moment than Jr. High slow dance position.  WARNING TO TALL MEN!!! If you ever do lift a girl for a hug, make sure you guys have a close relationship and she is comfortable with you, or perhaps, slightly inebriated.  I’m not saying take advantage her just because she’s had a drink or two either.  You know what, just don’t do it….

Go for the low hug or the Butt Stick Out.  Play it safe.  No reason to throw a curve ball when you’ve been pitching a perfect game throwing fast balls.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that hugging is a big issue for me.  I could probably write a huge, long, lengthy piece of literature about how I am with hugs and why I don’t do well with them and all about touch and stuff like that, but no one wants to hear that.  They’d rather hear about my memories of Boys II Men.  Boys II Men at Jr. High slow dances are small openings for geeky guys who don’t think they can dance well to get close to a girl that they may have thought was out of their league.  When that “river runs dry,” that bold voice in every guy says, “Alright bud, this is your chance.  You have about 3 minutes to make a memory.”  O man, dancing is a whole other issue I don’t want to touch with a 10 foot pole.  Maybe an 11 foot, but certainly not 10.

You know when you get off track and just realize, “what the heck was I trying to say in the first place?”  That’s what just happened right there.  Just making sure everyone was on the same page.  Shall we resume?  No?  TOO BAD.  You’ve wasted this much time reading this far.  Might as well finish up right?

Again, hugging is a big issue.  I think it’s a very easy way to tell people they are important enough that you trust them being that close to you.  If kissing is saying “I love you,” than hugging is certainly saying “you mean a lot to me.”  I know that hugs and kisses mean different things to different people, but ultimately, that’s the message that I get.  I’m appreciative of the time we spent together enough to where I want to be close to you one last time.  And I think everyone wants to feel that.  Appreciation.  Everyone wants to feel like they are appreciated.  Whether it be by your friends or by your family or loved ones or even an animal, everyone likes being hugged because that shows that someone loves you and appreciates you.  Another way to show someone how much they mean to you is by giving someone your time.  You can’t ever have that time back.  Time given is invaluable.  I always think, “This person could be doing something completely different with their time right now, but instead, they are devoting it to me because they want to.”  Hopefully it’s a “want to” and not a “have to.”

A lot of people make excuses about their time.  “I didn’t have enough time.”  “I was so busy I never got a chance to call you.”  “I’ll give you a call when I have some more time.”  Is it really that you don’t have enough time, or are you just not making enough time?  I have never seen a person go 100% every second they are awake.  No one is that busy.  Everyone takes breaks.  Everyone has moments in their lives where they can make time, we just don’t always make the effort.  Or instead of making that effort, we think about ourselves.  “I guess I could call so-and-so, or I could just eat my burger and talk to them later.”  “I guess I could finish that letter, but I would rather take a shower and go to sleep.”  If you have the opportunity to think about it, then there probably is time to do it.  It probably wouldn’t have popped into your head if you didn’t have enough time to finish that task.

Another quick thing about giving.  If you want to receive, give first.  If you want a hug, hug first.  If you want something nice done for you, do something nice to someone first.  If you want to hear an “I love you,” say “I love you” first.  Don’t think that person doesn’t want to receive just as much as you do.  But the best way to receive is to first give.  Give your time, and time will be given back to you.  And what a feeling it is to know you’re appreciated enough to the point where someone will give up something they can never have back because you are that important.  On top of that, you end that time spent with a hug that let’s you physically know you’re appreciated.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day and I called one of my other friends an “ungrateful little wiener.”  Again, poppycock of me.  However, my friend responds, “those are the worst kind of wieners.”  I agree.  Ungrateful little ones.  No one likes those kind of wieners.  Actually, I’m not sure if anyone likes someone who can be summarized as a “wiener.”  Ok, so general rule, no one likes “wiener” people.  However, ungrateful little ones are especially hated.  Summarized, don’t be a wiener, and especially don’t be ungrateful.  Show those people in your life that you love them by giving something you can always give, but can never be replaced: your time.  Call your friend, hang out with your family, hug a pet, send a letter to a buddy, stop by a house.  Whatever.

Give your time and hug appropriately in accordance with your height.  And no airplanes….

Thanks for reading, you poppycocks.

– The Tallest Person Ever


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