Shoe Shopping

I hate the phrase “jus sayin.”  They’re two incomplete words that are used to emphasize the fact that you’re not really making a point.  I don’t mean to bash people who use that phrase.  If you’re my friend and you ride a Segway, I don’t think you’re an idiot.  I just don’t understand why you use it.

Sometimes I think this blog is one big “jus sayin.”

I’ve had a hard time with decisions lately.  From confrontation, to action, to the lack of care behind a few of the decisions I make and the extreme amount of care in others.

I feel like my brain is like a room full of compartments packed with information.  In the middle of this room is a  balance scale.  And this scale is activated every time I decide there is an important decision to be made.  Sometimes, it takes a lot of work to run the scale, so a lot of my responses come out as “I don’t care.”  Because honestly, I don’t care where we stop to get food on the way to Vegas.  I know that I’ll just order some combo meal and eat it in 5 minutes.

But sometimes there are major decisions that I need to make and I have a really hard time.  I remember when my mom used to take me to buy shoes when I was younger and it would take me close to an hour to pick out one that I liked.  I knew that whatever shoe that I chose, I would have to wear for the next 2-3 years.  And that gave me a lot of anxiety knowing it was such a long term investment and I felt like I had little to no time to make the correct decision.  When you’re 10, you don’t have to make a lot of decisions like that.  I would try them on, look at them in the mirror, wonder if they would match one of the 8 outfits that I had, try to figure out if my friends would think they were cool, etc.  And I remember my mom getting so frustrated that she would give me a 5-minute time limit after nearly an hour.  And that’s when I would start mentally freaking out.  What if I pick the wrong one?  What if I don’t even pick one and then I just wasted all this time?  That shoe is like an cool, but it fits weird.  This shoe fits better, but it doesn’t look that cool.  Do I sacrifice looks for comfort?  O God, 2 minutes, shitshitshiiiiit!!!!

And finally, I would half-heartedly say “this is the one.”  And as soon as those words left my mouth, I’d have buyer’s remorse.

This Sunday, I watched a movie called “The International” with Clive Owen.  And even though it was kind of stupid and had cheesy parts, there were some good lines.  Clive Owen is interrogating this guy about his decisions in life, and the guy says this:

“I was once destined to become a man much like yourself.  True-hearted, determined, full of purpose.  But character is easier kept than recovered.  We can not control the things life does to us.  They are done before you know it.  And once they are done, they make you do other things.  Until at last, everything comes between you and the man you wanted to be.”

Clive responds with:

“We all have choices in life, you made yours.  Sometimes a man can meet his destiny on the road taken to avoid it.”

Every week, I take a glance at an internal battle of doubt and frustration.  Am I doing whatever I’m supposed to be doing to the best of my ability?  Am I even doing what I’m supposed to be doing in the first place?

But a very smart cousin of mine once told me that if I’m just going to second-guess all of my decisions, I might as well just give up and start all over again.  I’m a big believer in the phrase “everything happens for a reason.”  There are important decisions to make and when I make them, I’ll know that I made them with the good intentions and will make the best out of whatever bed I’ve made for myself.

And sometimes, it’s just a pair of shoes…

Thanks for reading.

– Just Clive


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